you say you want to die but,
you still put that seat belt on
and look both ways before crossing the street
you lock your windows and doors
you would scream if someone was following you late at night
you would run for your life
but you do want to die
you just want to die on your own terms.
I got a ton of things I wanna say to you about what we could be
I got dreams and fantasies miles long about what I want to become of us
No one comes close to comparison, you’re the one I wanna trust
The one I wanna love and let you love me too
But you’re in love with your best friend, whats gotten into you?
Maybe it was your intention all along, just a long term goal
So you try dating girls, break your own heart for her to console
She likes you too, you’re both just too scared to admit it
But what about me? You left my “love” unrequited
You dragged me along in this that’s why I wanted to choose the other
Because I knew this would happen, but with you I still shudder
You’re like a cancer in my body but I want to be eaten alive
I knew if we kept talking i’d have to chance to survive
Maybe I’m being irrational, but then again maybe it’s true
I put it out in the open now the choice is up to you
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.
2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.
3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.
4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.
5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.
7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.
8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.
9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.
10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.
Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.
“Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth”
You know, I think one of the worst feelings is finding out that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought you did, and you just feel stupid, and because you looked desperate, about caring too much.